Dependency is not your enemy! How modern dating and pseudo-psychology are making connection difficult.

I have wanted to write this blog for a long time. I have had long conversations with friends about the struggles of modern dating. I hear the same struggles from the clients and couples I meet through my practice. I have experienced this struggle myself, before finding a nourishing relationship. So the question of why modern dating is such a difficult experience for many has become a recurring theme in my personal and professional world.

I am often saddened to hear about how many people attribute this struggle to a personal failure and come to believe that there is something wrong with them because they can't quite hack this complicated dating world we are in. So my hope in writing this article is to shed some light on some relevant psychological ideas that can help understand why so many struggle to find fulfilling relationships in the modern dating world. This blog might feel particularly relevant to you if you are of the generation of Millennials (between 29 and 45 years old roughly). But it can apply to anyone who has found themselves searching for love in the modern world.

One of the things that I hear a lot when talking about relationships is this idea that independence seems to be promoted over dependency. On the surface, there is something helpful to explore here in terms of how we relate to our partners and the difficult task of balancing each other's needs. However, there is a very fundamental bit of misinformation here, which is the idea that in order to be in a healthy relationship we must be able to be independent, which automatically makes the idea of depending on our partners feel pathological.

Dependence has almost become a "dirty word," but is dependence actually "unhealthy"? We live in a world today where we have become more and more "insular." Overall, we spend a lot more time in our homes and on our devices than we do outside, in communities and social circles. Our human contact has changed, if not in quantity, definitely in type (or one may say, in quality). This is a major part of the puzzle, and to understand why, we need to first understand how humans connect.

The human need for connection

Human beings are wired for connection. It is in our basic makeup to go out and find communities, connect with our fellow humans and, going back in history a bit here, build tribes. It is a mechanism that has worked well for our survival. We came together in tribes, then in communities, because, put simply, there was strength in numbers against external threats. During our early history as a species, those who were not able to find their "tribe" would be exposed to threat a lot more and often have lower chances of survival (think rival tribes, conflicts, wild animals, disease, and so on...).

Fast forward to the modern world, we seem to have forgotten the innate need we have to connect with each other. We live in a society that has in fact promoted quite the opposite, that values individualism over collectivism and tells us that we must be "independent" in relationships and not be dependent on our partners. Here lies the problem: this is the opposite of what can build healthy and emotionally connected relationships.

Independence, inter-dependence, and co-dependency

Connection, intimacy, and strong authentic bonds cannot exist with complete independence. Independence tells us we must be self-reliant in order to survive. But this goes very much against how humans connect to each other. Think about it, the very idea of being in a relationship means that we are in many ways now connected and in relation with our partners. We cannot truly connect if we are independent of each other. One of the strongest predictors of relationship success is the quality of our emotional connection with our partner. Emotional connection and intimacy require what we call inter-dependence, i.e., both partners being able to rely on each other. The very simple question of "are you there when I need you?"

Now here is the puzzle. In the modern world, independence is promoted as an important factor for success. This idea of being able to stand on our own two feet and not need anyone has become the holy grail of today's capitalist world. For many people, the idea of depending on someone else has become scary, almost unattainable, as it is, in many ways, in direct contrast with the independence promoted in other areas of our lives. Dependence, or better inter-dependence, requires a high degree of vulnerability, letting our walls and defenses down, letting our partner in and being able to say "hey, I need you to help me out here." It is in the river of vulnerability that strong bonds can truly flourish.

However, there is something that is very important to understand here, and it is that inter-dependence is significantly different from co-dependence, which happens when one or both partners rely heavily on the other for their sense of self and well-being to the point that they can completely lose their sense of identity and find it difficult to establish where they end and their partner begins. Relationships where there is co-dependence are usually characterized by a sense of inflated responsibility for their partner to be able to meet all of their needs all of the time. What can happen in a relationship of this kind is that usually one person ends up sacrificing their own needs to be able to meet this unattainable idea of being the sole person in their partner's world that can fully satisfy their needs all of the time. The result? To start, there is usually not a real and authentic emotional connection built, but there is enmeshment instead, which is detrimental for both partners as they can both lose their sense of self in the relationship.

Modern dating, dating shows, and misconceptions

This is where I see pseudo-psychology, social media, and dating shows playing a massive part in promoting really unhelpful messages. One of the most detrimental messages perhaps is exactly in what we have explored above - the misunderstanding of the continuum between independence, inter-dependence, and co-dependence.

Take the popular show Married at First Sight (MAFS) for example. The very premise of this show, where couples get married before they know each other, creates the perfect storm for the dynamics we have explained to play out. You have some people who respond to this by expecting quick, often boundary-less, connection, often feeling disappointed and distressed when their partners are not able to deliver, whilst their partners battle with the adjustment to intense married life with a stranger. Others instead struggle to connect, remaining "on the fence" for the duration of the experiment and never letting their guard down. What is seldom seen in a show of this kind is true inter-dependence. Mostly, in some ways, because true inter-dependence takes time. Partners build inter-dependence by figuring out how to establish the "me, you, and the space between us" (borrowing the concept from the really helpful book by marriage counselors, Matt and Sarah Davies). What is unhelpful perhaps about the show is that partners who take time to adapt to married life with a stranger are demonized as the unhealthy party, and there is an over-promotion of what actually in fact looks like co-dependence between most couples, which the very format of the show seems to promote. Add individual vulnerabilities into the mix, and you can see why so many of the couples seem to struggle to build lasting bonds.

This is not me demonizing the show necessarily. This and many of the other dating shows are in some ways a reflection of what goes on in the "real world" away from the cameras. Take modern dating for example - this too is built on the idea that people match online, often based on physical looks, and they meet "for a date" before they know whether they actually like each other. There is often talk about whether "the spark" is there or not for people, as if this so-called "spark" is some sort of magical concept that either happens straight away or it can never be found. The reality, however, is that, prior to the advances of modern dating, most people used to meet their partners through social circles. You would first get to know someone enough to know there may be a "spark" or a "connection," and then you would ask them out on a date. Connections are built gradually between people. We cannot trust strangers with our deepest, darkest secrets straight away in the absence of emotional intimacy.

I have put together a quick illustration below to highlight some of the differences in the continuum between independence and co-dependence. "Healthy" inter-dependence is somewhere in between independence and co-dependence in my experience. Understanding the differences can be helpful to be able to build healthy and successful relationships, where both partners can feel respected in their own individuality whilst at the same time being able to come together as a couple and let their walls/defenses down.

(C) Dr. Anna Chiara Sicilia, 2025 (Please do not distribute without permission from the author)

There are many reasons why some people may find themselves more towards one end of the continuum, and this is where understanding your history and vulnerabilities can be incredibly helpful to build successful relationships. Individual or couples therapy can really support this process by creating a safe space where exploration can happen with the guide of a trained professional.

If you feel that this would be beneficial for you, do not hesitate to get in touch to book an initial consultation.